You’ve been into conflicts. It’s unavoidable. Either physical or verbal conflicts. When you were able to keep calm and focus, you probably won. When you weren’t, you probably felt embarrassment or regret in the end. Even if you’ve undoubtedly won a physical fight or a verbal fight, you may have felt embarrassed about how you degraded in front of others or even regretted legal consequences.
Conflict is aggressive by nature. You may have noticed during your lifetime that stupid people are more aggressive. I could’ve said that people with lower IQ respond easier to emotions, but I wanted to be clear. Their response is a primitive one. If you’re calm, you’re rational. The opposite of rational behaviour is the emotional response.
You may not win every conflict you’ll face, but how can you make sure that at least you will not regret your reactions or feel embarrassed by them? Find out below.
The natural reaction is emotional
A conflict (verbal or physical) is a form of stress. Recurrent stress leads to anxiety and anxiety is a feeling of fear and worry. Therefore the same chemical reactions are triggered inside the body. Our body was not designed to function under constant pressure. By that I mean literally pressure inside the blood vessels, accelerated heart rate and breathing. What happens in the end with a supercharged engine? It breaks down. I’ve explained in detail why stress can get you physically sick, here.
Fear triggers a physiological response controlled by a part of the brain called the limbic system. The fight or flight response is actually fight, run or freeze. The release of epinephrine raises blood pressure and heart rate and directs blood flow to muscles and vital organs. Breathing intensifies.
A specific part of the limbic system, the amygdala, stores memories based on fear. Why? Because it’s part of the body’s survival system and it needs to store lessons learned. Drama, what-if scenarios, gossip (!) all use the limbic system (the amygdala to be specific). Why? Because what if scenarios are often based on fear.
The emotional response is physical by nature. When the amygdala takes control you may smash things or bang your fist into the table. You are doing this to intimidate the other person, as you are ready for a fight. The flee response has changed in time. Originally it meant literally running and you may still do that nowadays when you fear physical aggression. It’s all about taking physical distance. When people were trying to escape verbal aggression, no longer than 150 years ago, taking physical distance was enough to stop hearing some hurting words. Nowadays you have to turn off your internet connection or block people to stop some types of abuse.
Physical aggression is always controlled by the limbic system. If you could observe someone’s eyes before attacking you would see that the pupils get dilated, along with the nostrils. That is to improve vision and the oxygen intake needed for movement and strength. It’s the same reason why in sports you have to control your breathing (and first of all breathe!) when doing effort. Muscles need oxygen, whether you use them for running or fighting.
The rational reaction
Solutions require imagination. You need to imagine different actions and their possible outcomes.
At brain level, focus, controlling impulses, being able to predict the consequences of your actions and complex behaviours, are all managed by the prefrontal cortex. It’s also responsible for developing your personality and planning.
As we become adults, the prefrontal cortex develops more and more connections to the limbic systems. That’s the effect of what we call in day to day language “experience”. That is why versus a teenager, an adult “knows better” and does not precipitate in front of threats.
Sports, dance, meditation develop the prefrontal cortex. Generally speaking, positive emotions are beneficial for it. So are games, word plays or complex motoric skills that associate movement with speech or other functions. Optimism is good for it.
How to overrule the primitive impulse
Normally, in low or moderate threats, the prefrontal cortex can override the amygdala. Which one seems wiser to use in case of a conflict? The limbic system or the prefrontal cortex? If it’s the latter, then you need to calm the f… down.
Here’s the thing. In order to overrule impulses you need awareness. You have to be aware of your physical reactions that signal the limbic system is taking control. If you heartbeat intensifies, your breathing intensified, your pupils dilate, you’re palms are turning sweaty and you’re getting goosebumps – that’s the limbic system all the way. How do you increase awareness day-to-day, if you want to? By practicing mindfulness.
If you have acknowledged that your limbic system has been activated and is about to take over, control your breathing! Take as many deep breaths as needed to handover control to your prefrontal cortex. That’s all you need to do. After that, your reasoning will take over.
On the long run, practice meditation and mindfulness.
Conclusion
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” Sun Tzu, The Art of War
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
