First let’s separate self-confidence from self-esteem. Self-confidence is about believing in your abilities, in what you CAN do. Self-esteem is about how you perceive and value yourself. Therefore you may feel confident in your skills to fix water pipes or recover projects (self-confidence), but also believe that you don’t deserve to be happy (poor self-esteem).

The blow

It often happens that a person confident in the skills built over time, brick by brick, takes one hit and the whole structure is shaking. Example: you’re a sharpshooter that has hit the target 1000 times then you miss 3 shots in a row and start to doubt. Or more common, in men’s case, one single sexual disfunction can leave them wondering about their abilities. How is that even possible?

I’ve witnessed several times people moving from one project where they did great, to another project where they can’t adapt. This was also my case a few times. When people I’ve managed started to doubt their abilities in this situation, I was giving them an easy to grasp example. Think about soccer players that move from one club to another. At club #1 they were scoring one game after another, everything was great and after transferring to club #2 nothing works anymore. Has the person changed? No, of course not. The environment has changed.

When your self-confidence starts to shake, the epicentre is in your thoughts. Your abilities haven’t changed over night (unless you were in some severe accident).

How do we fix self-confidence?

Use your reason to get back in control. First, understand how self-confidence is built. You become more confident through:

Positive environment – people that encourage you give you the power to go the extra mile and practice long enough to achieve your goals and build skills.

Assertive behaviour – ask for what you want, say what you don’t want

Be realistic – if you have zero experience about house painting, your first attempt is likely to be a poor one. That’s ok. You just need more practice.

Adjust your posture as explained here.

Practice with resilience – I’ve put this one in bold because this is actually the key. You need to know that whatever you’re studying or practicing, the learning path is not a straight line. That’s why it’s called the ‘learning curve’ ! At first you build skills very fast (under proper guidance), then there’s a plateau phase, then a decrease in performance. That’s how things work. In order to make the plateau phase reach a higher point every time and the decreasing slope shorter you have to keep practicing.

Step out of your comfort zone at every possible level. Try new experiences. Different environments and settings can validate and enforce what you know about yourself.

Celebrate the achievements and accept compliments

Give back.  I will not explain this one. Just take one skill that your master and practice giving back. Teach somebody else that skill or do some voluntary work. See what happens.

Ok, so how do we really fix self-confidence?

When self-confidence starts to shake, look rationally at your past performance. Do you have solid proof you were good at that thing that bothers you now? For sure, otherwise your self-confidence would not be shaking. Look back at what you have achieved already.

Is there a reasonable explanation for your current performance? Maybe you just don’t like the environment, or you’re going through a rough patch in your personal life. Are you stressed? Lacking sleep? Were you under some influence (of drugs, alcohol) ?

If you have positive proof that you were able to perform in the past and a rational explanation for why you underperformed, then calm down and carry on. Just address the causes you’ve identified. Get more sleep, wait for things to calm down in your life, try to lower stress, change the environment, stop substance abuse.

Conclusion

Self-confidence relies on past experience. Once you have that past experience to confirm your skills, whatever is shaking your confidence now, is coming from your head. Doubt is coming from your thoughts alone. You’ve got what it takes to bounce back on your feet.

If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!