If you’re reading this, I hope you didn’t fall for the “never give up” bs that is all over the internet. Never ever giving up is an obsessive behaviour that doesn’t benefit anyone. Resilience is a whole different thing. But let’s address the question at hand: when is it really time to give up?
If you’ve been on this site for a while, you’re already aware of the sunk cost fallacy and the initial commitment trap. That’ll make it easier for me to explain when it’s truly ok and healthy to give up.
First, go back to the roots
Before you start reading the signs, there’s one little exercise you need to do. Understand WHY you are doing or started doing a certain thing in the first place. Be honest with yourself. Whatever the answer is, be honest! Don’t go for the answer that sounds good – you’re not giving an interview here. You’ll never get to know yourself if you keep giving the “socially acceptable” answers. I hate to break it to you, but fact is we’re not some angelic beings that do things out of purity. No, most people act one way or another to obtain benefits, satisfaction, status, sexual arousal, appreciation, etc. In essence, we’re trying to get the best chances of succeeding in life and perpetuating.
Explain it to me like I’m 5
Let’s say you want to give up on a certain job role. Why did you take it in the first place or why do you really want to keep it? Any answer can be valid, but make sure it’s an honest one. You could say: “because it gives me status”, “I need the money that comes with it”, “it makes me look good” (to whom? who needs to see it?), “it gave me power”, “the status that came with it got me more sexual partners” (are you sure it wasn’t the confidence you started displaying?)
Different example: let’s say you are considering to abandon a side gig. Why did you pick up on that side gig? Possible answers: “I needed some extra money”, “I thought it would made me look cool” (to whom?), “I wanted to spend more time with someone / have something in common”, “it was giving me pure satisfaction” (you little adrenaline junkie 😊 ).
When is it OK to give up?
When the initial reasoning (the “WHY?”) has ceased to exist.
This is the initial commitment trap defused. Maybe the thing you are considering giving up was the only thing available at some point. Is it the same now? Was it even your decision in the first place? What if you learned something new that invalidates the original reasoning?
When you’ve invested too much and there are barely any visible results and no realistic expectations for things to change.
The sunk-cost fallacy. Wishful thinking is not a realistic expectation. Measure your progress objectively. Input vs output. Is it worth it? Is there any progress at all? Are you by any chance doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome?
Your obsession of NOT giving up has started to impact other aspects of your life: familly, health, social time, work.
Sounds like we’re talking about drugs, although we’re not (however it’s always a great idea to quit those). Obsessing over anything, will undoubtedly take a toll in other aspects of your life. Do you know why? Because it’s like an addiction and people with addictions are not reliable. We naturally tend to avoid unreliable people. For that reason it’s not healthy neither to promote, nor stay in a relationship with an unreliable person.
It starts to affect your self-esteem.
Have self-compassion. You want to be like the others doing “that” thing, but it’s just not working out for you. So you start to feel bad about yourself. Now take a step back and look at the answer you gave when I asked you WHY did you start doing “that” thing in the first place. Is this the only way to go? I doubt. I’m also pretty sure that world-class champions in one sport, completely suck at some of the other sports. I’m 100% sure that whoever excels in one activity doesn’t excel in all. Maybe this just isn’t your thing.
Admit you’re only human. Do something that brings you joy and doesn’t shred you to pieces.
You’re the only one trying to solve something, but the outcome isn’t entirely up to you – it depends on other people.
This is the case when you’re the only one trying to make a relationship work. It’s also the case when you are trying to resolve everything that’s not working in your company (and you’re not the CEO).
When you wake up in the morning, it feels like a burden.
Your battery is drained. There’s no joy left in the activity. These could also be signs of depression and the activity / the thing you are considering giving up may be one of the causes. If the idea of giving up makes you feel relieved – follow your instinct. There’s not much you can do when you’re exhausted.
You worry about what others might think.
IF that’s the only thing keeping you in place, screw them. I know that for many people, “what others think” is a big issue, but honestly people don’t really care about what you do with your life. On the other hand mediocre people do want to keep you in place, because if you evolve, you make them look bad. So instead of being held to the ground by what other people think, flap your wings and use them to smack those people over the face, along with their opinions.
You don’t have a sense of self without “it”.
Well, that’s a bigger problem there and it’ll take time to fix it. What you do is not who you are. Finding and knowing yourself is however essential. We might talk about this in a future article.
When you’re fighting natural change or growth.
Elderly people refuse to accept the natural evolution of society, of technology. Whether they will give up on their old habits or not, will not make a difference in how society will evolve. Most of them actually hold on to memories, usually linked to happier times.
When children grow it’s hard for some parents to stop being over protective or to start treating them like adults. But you can’t fight growth. You also can’t fight personal growth. When someone has tasted freedom or has seen his/her infinite potential, you can’t lock it down.
Instead of conclusion
See how many checkboxes you tick from the list above. You’re the only that has the right answer. It really is OK to give up sometimes.
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
