Ghosting is what happens when someone ends (online) communication abruptly with someone else (the person that gets ghosted). They just vanish like a ghost. If you’ve sent a message that gets read and that person never gets back to you, you’ve been ghosted. If you dated someone and then never ever gave any sign to the other person, you ghosted someone. Needless to say that social media and dating apps are the favourite realm of these ghosts.
According to a study from 2018, at least 25% of the people have ghosted someone and that’s sad because it makes it sound socially acceptable, while it shouldn’t be. Plus, technology has made it way too convenient and easy.
In the following lines we’re excluding the case in which you’ve been aggressive with someone and that person decides to ghost you, to stop escalating the conflict. That’s actually a smart temporary move, until you clear your head.
What leads to ghosting someone?
There are several explanations:
1. Lack of courage. That is the number one cause. The ghoster lacks the courage to have an honest conversation and own the communication, as well as the consequences. It’s a form of avoidance and cowardice. It’s immature.
2. Escalation. People can be afraid that the relationship could escalate into something more serious or not desired at the moment. Especially after a one night stand, but not only then.
3. Poor communication skills. Some think it’s more polite than rejecting someone upfront. In other words, the ghoster doesn’t have the adult communication skills needed.
4. Personal problems. The ghoster may undergo some personal problems and cannot have “that” conversation now. Therefore, ghosting gets “qualified” as such after a day or two 🙂
Generally the “ghosters” don’t feel the same emotional impact as the “ghostees”, although feelings of remorse may show up. People with EQ (emotional intelligence) or empathy do consider how their actions and words make the other person feel. In fact, ghosters experience cognitive dissonance and they fabricate beliefs to excuse their behaviour.
Either way, ghosting indicates a weakened or damaged relationship. If someone left you hanging or you left someone hanging, there’s trouble there. And based on what you’ve just read, if you’re the victim of ghosting, you shouldn’t blame yourself.
What does the person being ghosted really feel?
The “ghostee” can feel either of the following:
Rejection – I hope we can all agree that when someone suddenly stops talking to you, and assuming you didn’t explicitly caused it through some out of line behaviour, then it is justified to feel rejected.
Isolation or exclusion – this one depends of the particular situation of the person getting ghosted and the overall context.
Mistrust – especially if the ghoster is an old acquaintance, friend, that decides to end things abruptly as if there was no history.
In one word, ghosting leads to negative consequences for the self-esteem of the person being ghosted. That’s due to confusion and because we generally need a sense of closure.
Do remember that emotional pain can feel at least as intense and real as physical pain.
The siblings of ghosting
Orbiting and breadcrumbing are the siblings of ghosting. They both mean having small and sporadic interactions online (a like, a reaction, sending an emoticon), but not a real conversation. Everything you’ve read above about the ghoster applies in these cases as well. They instil a false hope, for the same reasons.
Then there’s “caspering” named after Casper the friendly ghost. That’s when you actually don’t really ghost someone abruptly, but give a short notice (typically a one-way communication) that you will not be continuing the conversation for whatever reason.
Can you change ghosting?
For one, you can stop being a ghoster yourself or never become one. You can’t change someone else, but by transforming yourself, you’ll get to surround yourself with people alike.
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
