At the beginning of this year I was dreaming high and fell from the sky. No matter how open and at peace you are with your past, sometimes things don’t work out. In front of adversities, there’s just one correct answer: self-improvement.
Life happens without asking you what you want. Whether you fell for someone and it didn’t work out or wanted to land a new job and you didn’t get it, it may not be about you. Landing a job or not may have little or nothing to do with how you performed during the interview, as explained here. Similarly, it takes two to build a relationship. Of course, all sort of bad events can happen with no particular reason. As you know, on this website, we’re all about practical things, so I’ll get back to my story towards the end. Let’s see what You can do.
Stay a while with yourself
Let’s say that something bad happened. Something that caused an emotional pain that almost feels like physical pain. You will most likely follow the 5 stages of mourning. Wherever you are, I know you just want it to go away faster. For that to happen, you must not run away. You have to face your feelings. You might say you’re busy: you have children, a busy schedule at work, “a lot” of things to solve. Sorry, you’re only fooling yourself. If all you have is 10 minutes a day in the shower to face your feelings and cry them out, then take those. It’ll take a while using just 10mins a day, but if you say You’re that busy, it must be so…
We’ve talked about coping mechanisms in a different article. Covering yourself with tasks, overworking until late in the evening – that always signals trouble in relationships. Drinking, binging, excessive smoking, drugs – they are all ways of disconnecting from reality or anesthetising yourself. Running continuously from one place to another (attending events or parties everyday) is an even more obvious way of running. So why stay with yourself? Because to rebuild, to start or continue this journey of self-improvement you need a clean canvas or to re-inflate the tires at least.
While you stay a while with your feelings, do the following. Instead of thinking You were not good enough, ask yourself if whatever happened was right for you.
What helps the self-improvement journey
Prepare for war in times of peace, if you want to have peace. Sun Tzu said a bit different. The essence was that peace comes through strength. It means preventing the risk and having a reaction plan (anchors).
Never ever take things for granted
Don’t take for granted your relationship, your job, income, not even the peace in your country or your pension funds. So what does it mean? It means you can’t sit on your ass and expect things that are working now, to keep on working without any effort on your side. It means to take care of your relationships (platonic and romantic), to upgrade your professional skills and be able to adapt. A lot of that ties to self-improvement.
Build your anchors
I’ve explained this one at large, here. Here’s what it means in a few words. Anchors are micro habits or elements in your life that whatever happens are still there. Things like: your 15mins a day to study a language, you 1h of exercise daily or every 2 days, your morning coffee ritual, friends that you call, your monthly playing pool night, your Wednesday jogging day. You could call some of them micro routines. It’s important for anchors to not take too much time, so that you can stick to them daily / weekly / monthly. Ideally these should not be very material or tied to one particular place. Example: one day a week you go jogging, not jogging in only one particular place. Or your micro habit could be going out for a coffee with a friend on Sunday morning, not with one single friend in one particular place. Hope you got the idea. If not, just visit the forementioned link.
Ok, I’m sold! Where do I start my self-improvement journey?
Analyse and find your self-improvement targets
You don’t build a house without having CLARITY on what you want to achieve. Pick the top 2 things you need to work on, now.
Have ownership and self-compassion
Whatever happened, reframe the story in a way that gives you ownership and control. E.g.: “Things didn’t work out because I wanted stability and building things up together”, “I was fired because I was not willing to work 12h/day no matter the pay check”. But also have self-compassion: “I made some mistakes, because I didn’t know better at the moment” or “It was all I could do with the level of energy I had and it’s OK”. You can’t beat yourself up and expect to perform at the same time.
Step out of your comfort zone
A lot of people think that stepping out of your comfort zone means jumping with a parachute or doing bungee jumping. No, it’s about trying new things or doing things you haven’t done before because you were afraid or thought you can’t do. It doesn’t have to be something big, huge. Example of things outside your comfort zone: going to a first class of something, doing some report or new activity at work that you haven’t done before, trying a new sexual phantasy with your partner. At every step outside your comfort zone, you’ll find out something new about yourself.
Raise your standard
YOU are the prize. Putting people on pedestals will only help them look down on you. Raise your standard in what you do and what you accept every day. Quality doesn’t always mean expensive. Get quality people around you, quality romantic relationships, better ways of spending your free time. Of course, if you afford to, you can upgrade other things as well: the coffee you drink, the food you eat, the clothes you buy or the car you drive.
Focus on self-improving 1-2 major things at once
Multitasking is an illusion. Your brain is not designed for multitasking. Even when you say you’re listening to music and doing some other thing, you’re actually not doing one of the two. If you want RESULTS, focus on one thing at once – the most important one.
Form or maintain good micro-habits
Grooming is a micro-habit: shaving every day or applying a lotion in the morning and evening. Posture exercises are good and influence your attitude. Eating avocado or drinking white tea can be micro habits you choose. The idea is to integrate these in your daily routine so that you end up doing them naturally.
Conclusion on self-improvement
Self-improvement will make you walk up into a room like you own the place. Every single person in any room you enter was made from the same material. What differed was the attitude in front of adversities. That’s something you can control. Work on your core, your essence, because everything else radiates from it.
My part of the story
I said I’ll tell you a bit of my story. I was down for weeks and that was ok (self-compassion). It was ok because I took the time I needed to face my feelings. Insomnia, stomach pain, nightmares – I’ve faced them all. Luckily, I already had my anchors in place: close friends, habits, sports, diet, grooming, etc. I’ve set my objectives and started working on them with whatever little effort I could do towards each one.
Where it got me one month later: I’ve bought a car and finished a few trainings that will get me closer to the job role I want to get this year. Psychology is important to me so I continued to focus on my psy studies. Also signed up for drama and impro classes, to improve and upgrade some skills I need to sharpen up. I’ve upgraded my exercising routine and made some vacation plans. I’ve changed the way I accept to be treated. Some of my dreams did die for now, but I carry on as a more resilient version of myself.
Have a safe journey!
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