I didn’t pick this title by accident. Why do we CHOOSE to ignore relationship red flags? Because red flags are there sometimes. Big, red flags, smacking you all over the face. Sometimes you recognize them through experience. At other times it’s your gut feeling, telling you that somethings is wrong. But we choose to ignore the red flags we see. Why is that?
Relationship red flags
Let’s look at some common red flags.
Controlling behaviour
“Where are you going? With whom?”, “who was that calling you?”, “show me the message”. It’s all about context and tone. Asking casually “so, what are you up to this evening?” is one thing. Frowning and asking “where are you and with whom?” is a whole different story. Hearing your partner talking in a smooth voice or flirty with “just a friend” or “just a colleague” and getting gaslighted when you enquire about it – whole different story.
Things are not really public
Your partner is active on social media, but nothing indicates he or she would be in a relationship. You don’t show up in pics together. You haven’t met any of his/her friends, nor were you mentioned to them. Maybe you don’t even go out that much in public together, or at least not in certain places.
Obsession with social media
That’s either insecurity or self-absorption. Unless that’s the person’s job or source of income.
Love bombing
The weapon of narcissists. The difference between being affectionate, honestly in love and love bombing is the size of the promises made. In either case you can be (or just seem) early invested. Someone who’s in love will make all sort of statements but will also realise that it’s early.
Extreme emotional reactions
From crying out of the blue to rage, it’s a lack of control. Of course you need some context to this: why is it happening? Towards whom is it directed? Is the person getting some therapy, trying to fix it? Are you willing to put up with it and if so, for how long?
Alcohol or substance abuse
Usually that’s just the surface. Alcohol and drug abuse do not come alone. Never. They come with a bad entourage, with debts, STDs and life threatening situations. Man or woman, it’s disgusting either way. I know I sound judgemental, but someone has to say it. There’s nothing attractive in a drunk man or woman, nor in a drugged one.
You’re not yourself
You don’t do or say things you feel like doing or saying, because you fear the reaction. Or you know you’ll be criticized. That’s an open road to toxic land.
Good friends are a bit concerned about your relationship
I’m saying good friends just to eliminate those that might be jealous or haters. They might see things that you can’t see or refuse to see. Just try to listen to what they have to say. Maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t.
Giving up on your interests
This may happen because you allocate too much time to being with the other person or just attend only activities the other person wants to do. You start giving up on yourself and after a while or maybe years, you’ll get depressed and, in the end, break up or divorce. Sticking to your interests and allocating time for things You enjoy doing, keep a relationship healthy.
Rush
Everything is happening way too fast. Moving in together, getting engaged, married, having a kid. What does too fast mean? It depends on your age and cultural context. Things move at a different pace when you’re 40 compared to your 20s. Look around you, but not in your close group, because that could be just social pressure. Sometimes rush is caused by immaturity or unsatisfied needs, fears. I know it can “feel right”, but as a healthy adult you set some boundaries. It may feel great, but for example, you know you should wait a while before moving in together.
Lack of commitment
Depending on how long you’ve been together or dating, lack of commitment is a major red flag. This can range from refusing to make plans for the next 3 months or 6 months – because at least one of you knows you might not be together then (oh-oh!) – to not wanting to move in together after a year. You might know couples that don’t exclude the idea of marriage, they say they want to, they’ve also been together for 4-5 years, but nothing’s happening.
Breach of trust
“We went out, but it’s not like we had sex”, “it’s just innocent flirting”. Some wonderful bouquet shows up at her house – “from colleagues”. Smells a lot like gaslighting. If it hurts you, talk about it. If nothing changes, you don’t have to endure.
Let’s draw a line
I’ve always dated beautiful women and I like to take care of myself also. Beautiful women and men alike like to look good and dress sexy (which is different than begging for attention). Fit persons take care of their body and they actually enjoy it. It’s healthy to have friends, have your own activities, go out separately.
Jealousy is pointless. If someone really wants to cheat on you, he or she will do it while holding your hand. Metaphorically. But it could also be a fetish, if you’re into it. The point is that suspecting the other person is cheating on you on every move is a sign of disrespect. Because it implies that person’s character is so weak and of such poor quality that he/she would break your trust whenever given the chance. If you truly believe that, then why are you together?
That is why communication is important. To speak up when something bothers you. That’s why we need to pay attention when choosing our partners, see what their values are and if they live up to them.
Why do we ignore the red flags we see?
It’s a defence mechanism
You must’ve heard someone saying (or maybe you said it): “everything was perfect and suddenly he/she left”. No, it wasn’t perfect. You just refused to see it. You wanted to believe the signs are not there so you don’t have to withstand the pain. Maybe if you pretend long enough that the grizzly bear is not there, it’ll go away. But it doesn’t go away and it will trample you.
The sunk cost
Explained here. You’ve invested so much (emotionally at least) in that relationship that you can’t accept it’s not actually working. So you’d put up with more.
The wrong belief that you can change another person
You can’t, ok? Read about it, here.
Fear of loneliness
Fear of loneliness is a fear rooted in poor self esteem. You’d rather go through hell with someone than walk the Earth alone. While someone you are about to meet could take you to heaven, if you end the toxic relationship.
Poor self esteem
“Who else would want you?” Well, why don’t you try to find out?
We don’t want to admit we were wrong
It’s a mix of personal pride and fear of failure. So we end up minimizing the red flags we see, even when we see many of them coming together. You end up feeling like an idiot and it’s not a pleasant feeling. I know. I wanted to give you a personal example, but then I realised I would’ve felt like an idiot 🙂
Now what?
Increase your awareness. In order to solve any problem in this world, you first have to acknowledge there is a problem.
What helps? Communication. Ah, yes, the old trick with talking to each other. It doesn’t mean you will solve it for sure. Communicating about things that bother you has two benefits: first, you let it out so it doesn’t consume you. You get to expose the problem and give it a chance to address it. Second, IF there is indeed a mutual interest to fix things, by speaking up, you might fix it. It always takes two to build a relationship. Always.
What else? Fix your self-esteem.
Look, don’t beat yourself up. In the first 3 months of ANY relationship, our brain is filled with love chemicals: all the love hormones that are meant to increase the bonding. Sometimes, it’s more than 3 months. We see everything through pink shades. It’s like a “honeymoon” stage and nobody thinks about true compatibility. So what, if you went down a wrong road for months or even years? Do you want to add more?
You’ve got one life. Don’t waste it with people who are not there for you.
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
