Let’s say you’re an adult and all your life you’ve had problems with authority, or should I say problems with people in a position of authority. A typical such person, used to get into conflicts with teachers, caretakers, sports coaches, probably police as well. Later, that reflected during military service (if applicable), but more so at work. The conflict was transferred and projected on managers.
We’re talking here about consistently placing oneself antagonistic, opposite to people in a position of power. A life pattern, not remote or justifiable episodes (like rioting against abusive measures). If you have problems with authority, then by default: the teacher, the police officer, the coach, the manager are the enemy. No need for a justification. The person having these problems also gets the whole angry pack “benefits”: frustration, anger, impatience, somatization, episodes of depression and possible substance abuse. In turn, these cause trouble retaining jobs, relationships (both romantic and friendly).
Some of the highly functional individuals that have problems with authority become entrepreneurs or seek autonomous jobs. They try to get off the grid as much as possible. All these are methods of avoiding risk. That can be a working strategy for addressing risk, but it’s not resolving it.
Don’t mistake problems with authority with these
You may read some articles saying that changes in the brain structure have been noticed on people having problems with authority. Yes, obviously. Mental health issues leave visible traces on your brain. It works in the exact same way that a physical disease leaves traces on your body. That’s just an observation on the morphology of the brain – get over it. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or whatever. It’s just a fact. Correlation, not causation.
A distinction has to be made vs the antisocial personality disorder. That’s the typical “outlaw”. The antisocial personality disorder involves a complete disregard for the law, intentionally violating the rights of others and manipulating and exploiting people (for different rewards: money, benefits, sex). An antisocial person lies frequently, steals (in different forms), is aggressive and gets into physical fights. That person doesn’t care about the safety of others and doesn’t show any remorse. That’s not what we’re dealing here when discussing problems with authority.
Ok, now that we’ve run our “differential diagnosis”, let’s figure out the cause and how to fix it.
The root cause of “You don’t tell me what to do”
People having problems with authority root their issues in problems with the father. Or to be more accurate, the father figure in their life which in that case tops up on the absence of the biological father.
A more generic term used sometimes, instead of father figure is “caretaker”, but the real issue comes from the male figure in someone’s life. Also, statistically, most people having problems with authority are men. Women can also be affected, but the manifestation is different and not in scope of this article.
So, what caused all this mess? Get a pen and check the boxes:
- Harsh parenting (strict rules). You have to “obey”.
- Verbal or physical abuse for any “problematic” behaviour.
- Neglect (parents are present, but not really caring). This also applies to adults who as children were in different foster homes (that includes “living with your aunt and uncle”, “living with the grandparents” – wait, what? Yes. A child does not understand familly relations the way an adult does. For a child there are only parents and adult strangers.).
- Father / father figure absence
- Low-income household (perceived as an inability to provide for basic care and needs. As a result, the child “demotes” the parents from their rights).
All the above lead to an unpredictable and stressful life. The child doesn’t know what to expect and “home” is not “safe”. Therefore, later on, these issues will get projected on the next person with authority encountered: teacher, coach, manager or other. The “you don’t tell me what to do” is silently followed by “cause you’re not my father”. Since you had to figure out life by yourself, how can someone come up now and tell you what to do?
Why fix it?
The short-term effects can be seen immediately: school / classes abandon (yes, even in adults that drop out mid-class), job loss, fines, maybe overnight time in jail and so on. Note that the scale is much smaller compared to someone affected by antisocial personality disorder. However, on the long run, you’ll be perceived as “trouble”, “toxic”, someone to be avoided, things which will only deepen your frustration and anger. So, it’s bad.
Let me tell you a little true story. A friend of mine used to have these severe problems with authority. He was like a textbook study case for it. As we finished highschool, unless you were enrolled in university studies, military service was mandatory. Those were the rules then, in my country. It took him less than 48h in the unit to get a drill order (a typical “shut the **** up and lie down”) to which he reacted with “What am I, your dog?” and punched the commander. That led to solitary confinement, which during the mandatory service was adding days to your service. They weren’t counting as part of executing the service. Needless to say, that wasn’t the last time he got into trouble and we lost contact.
How do you fix problems with authority?
The short-term fix: awareness and ownership. Understand the background (what got you here) and what causes your triggers. More important however, become aware that you are sabotaging yourself: from fines to losing your job. While the awareness exercise might be easy to understand, don’t fall for the blame game. Yes, it is unfair that because of things your parents did or didn’t do, you developed a behaviour and now bare the consequences. It’s frustrating and it makes you angry. I agree, but read further.
You can’t change the past. What’s done is done, BUT it’s not yet water under the bridge, unless you take some action. That action comes through ownership. Now that you understand the triggers, through awareness, you need to take responsibility for your reactions and control them.
There’s only one long term fix: therapy. Mainly individual therapy, but familly therapy can work too. On the other hand, what are the odds of involving a dysfunctional family into your healing process. Unless, of course, its members took individual therapy and now come to your rescue. That’s rarely the case, so let go of it. Focus on what you can do, but be aware that it will take time.
Will you ever fix them fully? I don’t know if “fully”, but for sure you’ll become a “lovable rascal” 😊
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
