When was the last time you said you hate someone’s personality traits or actions? Yesterday? An hour ago? We do it all the time: hate some things we see or hear about, and love or cheer for others. On the surface we may pretend to dislike some things that go against social norms or morality, even if deep down we like them. We put on a show, so that the tribe (society) doesn’t exclude us. Get ready for an uncomfortable reading.

Here’s a fact. In 1998, when Bill Clinton was publicly condemned for his actions, after the episode with Mrs Lewinski, people were appalled on the surface. They were supposed to pose with that attitude in line with ethical norms. What happened during the elections when the secret vote was cast? His voters increased in number. According to Wikipedia: “After his impeachment proceedings in 1998 and 1999, Clinton’s rating reached its highest point at 73% approval. He finished with a Gallup poll approval rating of 65%,higher than that of every other departing president measured since Harry Truman”. If you want to argue that this was due to public polices and so on, go ahead, but most of the voters are not that savvy when it comes to economics or politics.

You hate the personality traits you like least about yourself

Carl Jung stated that what irritates us about other can help us understand ourselves better.  Herman Hesse, as a poet, was more straightforward and said that what we hate in others is actually something that is part of ourselves.  A bigger or smaller part.

We can hate personality traits in others, for different reasons. Somebody who is very demanding and perfectionist may despise people that aren’t the same way. Perfectionists have an inferiority complex. When they see “imperfections”, they see a reminder of their self-perceived inferiority. A reminder that they are not good enough. That hate towards others, is actually the mirrored hate towards themselves.

Strong, aggressive, homophobes either fear their own blocked desires or have experimented an abuse that made them doubt their sexual orientation. Therefore, aggressive public statements consolidate an image they fear it could be chipped.

Simple dislikes are more superficial. I dislike people who are late, because I used to be running late and I struggled to correct it. Sometimes, I’m still late, but not on purpose. I dislike it.

Hating a personality trait, however, tells a different story. There’s something deeper in you connected to the things you hate. You might even hate the morality in someone because you feel you’ve drifted away from it. One can hate promiscuity because of a reflection of past deeds or deep desires.

You love the traits that you possess, even if you don’t manifest them

Luckily for us, the opposite mechanism is in place as well. We love and admire the personality traits that we also possess, even if we don’t manifest them yet. You might not get the full message here, so let me explain.

Let’s say you like people who do sports and are open, just like you. It’s an affinity. Birds of a feather flock together. I’m sure you got this.

The shock comes when you say: “I admire that powerful athlete or spiritual leader, or that business woman”. First, that sentence is not fully correct. You don’t admire that person as a whole. If you admire for example Elon Musk, for his ideas, or vision, you don’t admire him for his body. Try to pinpoint exactly what you admire. When you look at an athlete, do you admire the world record or the collection of trophies, or the discipline? Ok, are you ready to have an AHA! moment? That trait which you admire is already in you.

What do you do with this information? A quote attributed to Michelangelo said “The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.” Those traits that you admire (not just like) are already in you. You just need to surface them.

Personality traits, actions or attitudes?

A fair question to ask is: if I hate what someone does and is something I’d never do, how can that be part of me? If I see an idiot striking an animal or a child and I know I would never do that, how can that be connected to me?

Let me explain using the example above. Although this may not be something that your mature self, would do nowadays, it could be connected to something you’ve done in the past. Perhaps something you’ve done once and haven’t forgiven yourself for. The other option is that in the specific gesture you actually perceive a betrayal of trust. Someone without means of defence was attacked. There’s good chance you’ve experienced something similar, even if not physical. Our brain has the ability to make these connections.

By standing up against a behaviour you hate, you are trying to compensate for the times you didn’t our couldn’t.

Long story short

Observe what you hate and ask yourself why. Look for the deeper meaning, the personality traits displayed, not the fact itself. That’s a journey to introspection. It’s about looking at the past to understand the present.

Even better, observe the personality traits that you love. Those could be the future You.

If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!