When you’re dating in your late 30s or after 40, a constant challenge shows up: accepting your partner’s past. Of course this challenge can pop up earlier, but it’s unavoidable at the forementioned age. However, most people, by the time they reach 40, they’ve had a number of sexual partners, possibly a divorce or even a child. Most people went through some wild periods, tried different experiences, learned some lessons on they way and turned up the way they are today.
One thing is for sure: neither you, nor anyone else is the same person that was 20 years ago or 10 years ago. Or at least no one should be. That’s because life changes, you learn from experiences and you should evolve.
How do you approach your partner’s past?
People approach their partner’s past in 3 ways: with curiosity, with obsession or avoid it altogether.
Curiosity is normal – you do want to know if there’s some shady, possibly dangerous, background or if your partner is still hanging around in Hoeville (men and women alike). Let’s call it due diligence. Like it or not, the initial attraction is physical. Then you discover the other person and things build up.
Obsession over someone’s past can be a sort of “retroactive jealousy”. That is when you feel that your partner’s past was more special or unique than what you have now. As with anything that’s obsessive, it’s also damaging.
Obsessive thinking is called rumination in psychology. The real question in this case should be “why does it bother you?”. Is it a lack of trust? Is it an anxiety: a fear that some scenario will repeat? One thing’s for sure: you can easily drive away someone by obsessing over your partner’s past.
Avoiding to discuss about the past altogether is pretending your partner does not have a past. Avoidant personalities excel at this. It’s damaging. Sooner or later an avoidant attitude in any domain comes back like a boomerang and hits you over the head. It’s an “ostrich policy”. It solves nothing.
How do you deal with your partner’s past?
So, assuming you want to approach this in a constructive manner: how do you deal with your partner’s past?
Examine the objective past
Is the past, really in the past? If so, let it stay in the past. Has the person really changed? Is there any proof of corrected behaviour? If I say I quit smoking yesterday, that doesn’t really prove anything, does it?
Examine your feelings
Why does your partner’s past bother you? I mean the real reason. Let’s say your partner has had a lot of sexual partners (whatever “a lot” means to you). Why does it bother you? Admitting it’s all in the past. Is it actually a matter of self-esteem and making You look bad because you ended up with what people would consider a poor quality person? Someone that anyone could get? Or do you fear (anxiety) that the same behaviour will repeat when you’re together, months or years later in the relationship? Get some clarity.
Don’t snoop
You may or may not find anything, BUT you wouldn’t like either if someone would be digging through your past. Unless you’ve got some real concern to go through your partner’s past – e.g. : suspecting some violent background or manipulation / gaslighting – it’s not justified. And the other person will never forgive you for it. Don’t ruin the present. Digging through the past is a rabbit hole and you’ll lose mutual trust on the way.
Discuss
Ask. Listen. That’s the normal way to do it. Ask what you want to know, straight forward. If you’re talking to a mature person, you should get some straight answers. Listen to what your partner has to say.
What do you think you can control?
Nothing. If you’re under the impression that by knowing certain things from your partner’s past, you’ll be able to control them, well… you won’t. Get over it.
Focus on the current relationship, not on the past
In a romantic relationship there’s a third element, besides you and your partner. No, I’m not talking about a threesome. The third element is Your relationship, which both of you have to nurture. Let me sum it up again: You, your partner and your relationship. You have to actively take care of all three.
What about your past?
Are you easy to deal with? You partner is facing the same challenges. Normally when something bothers you about other people, it’s usually related to you (read more about this, here).
Conclusion
Your partner’s past made your partner the person that is today in front of you. Your past made You, who You are today. There’s not a single person in this world that has truly lived and has not made any mistakes. We’re not hermits. It’s easy to avoid temptations if you’re living in a solitary cave. But we’re not.
If you’re constantly checking the past, you’re not present.
If you’re constantly twisting your head to look at the past, all you’ll get is neck pain.
Live now.
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