When is it healthy to put your ego first and when isn’t? Ego hides behind phrases like “I am not to blame” or “It’s not my fault“, when it actually is. “I was right” – so what? “I will show that nobody can mess with me“. Why do you need to show that?

I’m talking about ego in a sense of pride and conscious choice, not in the psychological terms of id, ego and super ego. However, psychology does consider ego, the “logical” aspect of personality, making conscious choices.

Well, let’s see…

How ego affects friendships and work relations

A big ego turns everything into a competition. It feeds an active need to show that you are smarter, stronger, better. The problem is that nobody likes to be told that he or she is wrong, even if it is true. Big egos not only highlight if somebody made a mistake,  they also try to humiliate that person.

When I say that you don’t have to prove you’re always right, it’s not about giving up on yourself or your opinions. You just don’t have to make a goal out of proving it. There are elegant ways to make your point across without making others feel embarrassed. Sometimes you don’t have to prove it at all. You can be right and silent at the same time. You don’t HAVE TO prove it.

Pointing fingers is a derivative of being always right. Why? Because by finding a ‘responsible’ for a bad outcome, it’s obvious you’re not the one who made a mistake. So you were right. But finding the ‘guilty one’ is never constructive. Everybody makes mistakes.

As you can see, ego is not compatible with empathy. Assertive communication teaches you to respect another person’s point of view, without giving up yours.

Here comes a paradox: a big ego can prevent you from applying for a job or asking for a promotion. Why? Because the ego doesn’t want to get hurt aka rejected. So it will push you only towards situations that are sure wins. Because if you don’t win, here comes a big plate of anger! Deep down however, you also know that if you don’t risk, you don’t succeed. So a big ego is actually a form of self-sabotage.

How ego affects romantic relations

Everything written above, affecting friendships and work relations can damage your romantic life as well. On top of that, there’s another thing: not loving yourself.

Sounds like another paradox. Psychologically speaking, a bit of selfishness is healthy for your wellbeing. Sacrificing yourself constantly for others isn’t. When I say sacrifice, it doesn’t have to be something major. It can be giving up on the movie you’d like to see or the ice-cream flavour you like, just to make the other one happy. Just like stress or anxiety, this frustration builds up over time, until it bursts.

By loving yourself and “paying yourself first”, you decrease the probability of accusing others for your own misery. The misery that you create by giving up on yourself. It might be a struggle at first, you might be perceived as selfish for choosing the things you like, but it’s for a greater good.

Here’s another thing that you might not expect. A big ego can make you stay in a relationship that’s not working out. How come? Because you simply can’t accept you became less interesting or attractive for the other one or that your efforts haven’t paid off. Just like lack of self-esteem can keep you in toxic relationships, so can a puffed up ego make you stick to things that are not working.

On top, a big ego can feed unjustified jealousy. How can your significant other keep contact with someone else or joke with someone else when he/she has You? It’s surprising because jealousy is commonly triggered by poor self-esteem. Most people spark a fight out of nothing or become possessive because they feel they don’t have the means to maintain the relationship (poor self-esteem).

Here’s the thing…

You can always be right or you can have relationships. Romantic relationships, work relationships, friendships. Let go of what’s not worth and stand up for what matters. You can step away from a situation that you feel unjust without playing the blame game.

Yes, staying humble is a tough choice. But it leaves the door open and keeps the ball rolling. Your choice.

If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!