Have you ever wondered why some scenarios keep repeating, no matter the job, group or relationship you’re in? One possible explanation could be that you’re caught up in a drama triangle.
The drama triangle is a toxic, manipulative and dysfunctional behaviour, in which each participant has to be either aggressor, victim or saviour. The result of a drama triangle is always a drama. People that have grown up in a traumatic or abusive environment are accustomed to communicating in a drama triangle.
How does it look like?
What would a victim say? ”This always happens to me”, “I’m the one to blame”, “I’m the guilty one”. The victim is helpless and ignores his/her own resources. That implies that somebody else is the aggressor. Both the fault and the solution are always external. If these statements show up in a relationship, the aggressor could be the significant other. If you find yourself saying these at work, the aggressor could be a manager or a colleague.
The saviour is someone who sacrifices his/her own needs, to help others. Wait, isn’t that altruism? No, it isn’t. It might look like altruism or care for others, but in a healthy behaviour you don’t give up on your own needs just to help others. It’s perfectly fine and recommended to help others, to volunteer, to do good deeds. The problem is when you let’s say donate for a cause and you end up starving. Or you stay up all night to help someone and the next day you mess up an exam, because you neglected your preparation in order to help others. The saviour needs to feel important, needed, is always available, never says “no”.
The aggressor criticizes, judges, is inflexible. The aggressor fears to look fragile or weak. It may manifest through shouting. Remember that shouting is always a sign of fear. Fear of physical harm, of abandonment, of being embarrassed or of something else.
One person will not stay in one role all the time. Whoever plays in the drama triangle, will shift roles. The victim becomes the aggressor or a saviour in a different context. It’s not healthy. You have to break the pattern, otherwise you will find yourself changing jobs, relationships, groups and still end up in the same scenario.
How to break the drama triangle
As with many other things, first step is awareness. You have to become aware that because of your life experience, you have started to approach relationships and communication in a drama triangle. Depending on the situation, you take either the role of aggressor, victim or saviour, while other people have to take the remaining roles. That’s toxic.
Through awareness you will also realize that this behaviour doesn’t help you. On the contrary, it fires back. Therefore, you need to break the pattern. It takes time, but it’s perfectly possible.
You need to realize when you’re stepping into one of the dramatic roles and intentionally break the pattern, towards:
The peaceful triangle
Ditching the drama triangle means practicing new behaviours (the shift of pattern):
Be assertive, not aggressive. Examples of assertive statements: “Thank you, but no…”, “I believe that…”, “Thank you, but it’s not needed”, “This is my point of view” or “I feel offended by what you said”. Ask for what you want, say what you don’t want.
Be vulnerable, but not a victim. Ask for help instead of being a victim. Admit you don’t master a situation and ask for recipes for success, learn from others. Use your inner resources instead of waiting to be saved. Sometimes, all you need is guidance.
Have empathy. Learn to have empathy for victims, but teach the victim to find its own resources, instead of sacrificing yourself. If the other person doesn’t want to stand on its own feet, so be it. You don’t have to, and you can’t, save everyone. You can offer solutions, but you don’t have to be the one who applies them. Anyway, when the victim is part of a drama triangle, if your solution fails, you’ll be the one responsible and turned to an aggressor.
The concept of ownership can help a lot when pursuing this change. Taking responsibility for your own actions and inactions is a tremendous change and can help you live your life without resentments and at peace.
Have a peaceful day!
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