There’s a lot of talk about empathy, the “emotional empathy” let’s call it or “affective empathy”. Empathy is the ability to understand how others feel AND share their feelings. A sort of “you’re sad and I’m sad with you because I feel your pain” – therefore I want to help you. Dark empathy is cognitive empathy. Dark empaths understand rationally how you must be feeling based on the events that took place, but they don’t share your feelings. For example: “I get that you’re upset because of a break-up, because that usually hurts people”. Pure reasoning, no feelings.
If things would stop there it would be sort of alright. But dark empaths use this understanding to manipulate you or take you on a guilt trip. As you may have guessed, dark empathy is commonly found in sociopaths (people with antisocial personality disorder), psychopaths and narcissists. We’ve talked about the last category here.
Why is dark empathy an issue?
You’d be tempted to say there’s no reason to care whether someone truly understands how you feel or not. Sure, if things would stop there and we’re not talking about your significant other, it might be alright. But people who display empathy tend to get closer to us.
A study by Dr N.Heym and Dr A.Sumich pointed out that dark empaths may have moments of true empathy. It’s important to acknowledge if we’re talking about an isolated personality trait or a full psychopath. If it’s just a trait, the damage (aggressive response) can be kept under control.
The issue with dark empathy is that it’s always used (doesn’t have to be immediately) to hurt someone. When dark empaths are listening, they are actually mining for data that they can use against you. That will happen either through manipulation (gaslighting included), social exclusion (mal-intended gossip or mobbing) or malicious humour (verbal bullying). The sincerity a dark empath displays is mostly fake and may use love-bombing as a manipulation.
Can you recognize a dark empath?
If you know someone that’s a narcissist or a sociopath (picture someone fully antisocial – lying, cheating, physically aggressive, having issues with the law), it’s almost a sure bet that you’re facing a dark empath. However, this personality trait can exist on its own as well. I’ve omitted mentioning psychopaths because you wouldn’t recognize them anyway – they’re quite agreeable persons usually.
A dark empath would probably say to you something like: “Really? You’re still mourning? It’s been 3 months, I thought we’re done with that”. Another phrase you might hear after some time has passed since revealing how you feel, would be: “You’re so sensitive / overwhelmed / weak / etc, just like your mom/dad was”.
The irony is that dark empaths tend to be low on self-compassion and may have a poor self-esteem. They generally pass for extroverts (like most narcissists and psychopaths) – after all, why would they be introverts since there are few feelings to reflect upon? They can display anger or hostility, but one thing is for sure: they are pretty harsh with themselves and keep an emotional distance. Most of all they desire power and control. All dark empaths have an intelligence above average and may pass as charming.
Is there at least one good news?
There would be one good news. Dark empaths (NOT full swing psychopaths) do have a conscience. They may listen to it or not, but both options are on the table. Even sociopaths can form genuine attachment to one or few people.
Another sort of a good news is that a dark empath is not likely to cause physical harm. Only emotional harm. Unless it’s a psychopath, which most likely will physically harm you.
Last but not least, there is such a thing as a mix of cognitive and emotional empathy, called compassionate empathy. In compassionate empathy, one can truly understand how another person is feeling (using emotional intelligence), perceive the emotions, but does not identify with the emotion that someone else is experiencing. They can respond to a situation without trying to save the day or be overwhelmed by the intense feelings someone else is having.
Instead of conclusion
I expect you’re not going to walk around with a checklist trying to see who ticks all the boxes. Once you realize you’re being subjected to gaslighting or manipulation or even easier: mocked because of your emotions or that a confession of your feelings is used back against you – just go. It’s toxic and you don’t need to be there. Don’t waste time trying to classify the sociopaths in your life.
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
