The short answer is “No”, if this is what you were looking for. If you want to understand more, read further. Don’t mistake though, “change” with influencing someone or manipulating – that will not last.
How do people change?
Fact is people change or learn to behave differently, in two ways:
- Personal development
- Shock. Emotional shock.
These are the ways to achieve meaningful change. However, there is no guarantee that doing some random work on personal development will lead to a change or that a shock will actually lead to a meaningful change. But when change does happen, it’s usually one of these two mechanisms behind.
Changing through personal development
This is the long journey. And the least painful one. However, in order to change through personal development, you need a lot of awareness. Communication, introspection and asking the right questions help a lot. It also matters how you receive feedback and from who. Most of all, you need clarity: to have it clear WHY you want to make a change or why you need to. It’s either to achieve a goal or because you understand that the behaviour you had so far no longer serves you.
Therapy obviously helps to understand the causes behind certain behavioural patterns. As you realize that some choices you’ve made actually had deeply embedded or subconscious reasons, you might decide to change. We’re talking about behavioural changes, not core traits. Nobody is fully good or fully bad. What matters is how we manifest our inner force and core traits.
Changing through shock
What is a shock? A shock can be a breakup, a divorce, losing your job, having an accident with more or less permanent damage, losing someone dear. It’s something that leads to an emotional shock.
You obviously can’t provoke a shock, or you shouldn’t. Of course you can break up with someone, you can get a divorce, but that’s something you do for yourself, not expecting the other person to change as a result of it. Hopefully you’re not considering getting someone fired or in an accident just to change that person.
The sad reality is that most of us learn from shock. Memories associated with strong emotions stick with us for life. That’s why it’s easier to remember those lessons learned. The way you felt going through a divorce (caused by your actions) will stick with you for life and you’ll probably never want to experience that again. Losing your job or reputation because of some reckless actions – that’s something that sticks with you for good.
Distinguish change from manipulation
You might have read by now a lot of articles on manipulation or maybe you have read Cialdini’s book on influencing people. Yes, those things work, but manipulation affects only the short term behaviour, so that it favours the influencer. There is no real change behind it or benefit for the person being manipulated. Although sometimes, manipulation techniques can be used for the good – but that’s rather an exception.
Manipulation is a short-term spell. It doesn’t last. Sooner or later, everyone wakes up. This isn’t about ethics, I’m just answering the question addressed in the title. Influencing someone will never lead to true change.
Even if you’re trying to do good, if the targeted person hasn’t reached a certain level of awareness, it will not work. It’s like sending a package to the wrong address. The recipient will either discard it or not know what to do with it. Same when people meet a good person and don’t know how to behave (let that sink in).
Should you waste your energy trying to change someone?
It’s worth investing time communicating. Saying things open and in a non-hurtful manner. Some topics may be delicate, concerning sex, desires (sexual or not), health issues, behaviour that bothers you and so on. Nobody can guess what you’re thinking or what bothers you. Expecting someone to guess that, is immature. So… yes, invest your time in speaking up. If the other person is mature enough to listen and cares, you might see a change.
If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!
