The avoidant personality is a disorder that prevents those experiencing it from living up to their true potential. These people have a chronic fear of rejection. They display social inhibition and a very low self-esteem. While avoidance may seem like a black or white situation (you either do something or you don’t), it can actually take some masked shapes. Postponing until self-sabotage is one of them, along with overthinking.

The avoidant personality traits

An individual manifesting avoidant personality will display at least 5 of the following traits, all rooted in one’s teenage years:
Oversensitivity to criticism, disapproval OR suggestions (!)
Lack of close relationships in private or at work.
Avoidance of social contact (going out) fearing he/she will not be liked.
Seeking out activities or professions with limited human interaction.
Increased fear of making mistakes.
Excessive “shyness” in any intimate relationships.
Tendency to feel inferior or unattractive (not just physically).
Refusal to take risks, try new things or speak up, because of fear of embarrassment.
Extreme reluctance to talk to other people or get involved with others.

On the long run, this results in social isolation, depression and correlated substance abuse, as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Therefore, it’s a chain reaction: voluntary isolation that leads to depression and turns to addictions. Why? Because if you’re alone, no one can reject you or make you feel small, right? Then, of course this doesn’t solve in any way the root cause.

The tricky part

Here’s what most people don’t realize: postponing is also avoidance. You may believe that the avoidant personality simply decides not to do something. It’s actually worse. If you have avoidant personality you will find all sort of reasons, including forms of self-sabotage, to avoid an action.

Example 1: you want to book a trip. Suddenly, more “urgent” things come up, including washing dishes. By the time you “decide” to make the booking, all tickets are sold. Why does it always happen to you?

Example 2: you want to pick up a new sport. You discover you don’t have THE 100% fit equipment. You say you’ll go to the store, but first clean up the house or groom yourself extensively. So, by the time you’re done, the shop is closing. You don’t have time to go shopping anymore, tomorrow is out of the question for whatever reason and the day after tomorrow a new class starts. You’ve missed it. Yeah, things never work out for you…

The avoidant personality is strongly correlated with poor self-esteem. If you would be confident in your abilities, you would not be afraid to show it, right?

Some good news

Some good news at the end: you can reconstruct your personality the way you want. I encourage you to read first about confirmation bias. It takes conscious effort, therapy (cognitive and behavioural) and time, but you can do it. If you really want a change, do what you can, but do it now!

If you have enjoyed reading this or know someone who needs to hear all this, please go ahead and share it with your friends. Thank you!